A Fate Worse than Death
by SecondImpact
Summary: Makoto reflects on her life. Very dark.


This fic was somewhat of an experiment to see if I could write something angsty.  
  
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I would never have believed that there could actually be a fate worse than death. Most people toss around that phrase so casually it's hard to take them seriously. 'It's a fate worse than death,' they cry about their problems, not truly understanding either their problems or death. If anyone is capable of speaking about fates worse than death, I am that person. I've died more than once.  
  
Wise people always compare death to sleep. They're completely wrong. Sleeping is about as close as you can get to the opposite of death. One reason for the comparison is they think you're not aware of anything when you're dead, just like you're not when you're sleeping. If only it were that way.  
  
I remember vividly the first time I died. I saw everything that happened after. I watched my friends die, unable to do anything to stop it. It still gives me nightmares sometimes, watching helpless as each of them is killed in turn.  
  
The other reason for the comparison is people think time speeds by much like it does when you're asleep. We've all had those nights, where it feels like we just went to sleep and it's 7:00 the next morning. Unfortunately, people are again wrong. Death doesn't stop thought. When I died, time seemed to slow down. I had so much time to think that I could find ways for each of my friends to save themselves. Ways they never would have used even if they had thought of them. We had a mission to accomplish, and our princess was able to accomplish that mission.  
  
That's how I ceased to be dead. Our princess. She saved us all. Each time we died we died fighting for her. And each time she saved us. Even had we known that she couldn't save us though, we still would have gladly died for her to go on. She's saved the entire world several times. If we're required to die so she can save the world, I can speak for all of us when I say that we'll pay that price.  
  
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I'll simply sit and think about just how odd I am compared to the rest of the world. I'm one of a select few who can claim to have died more than once, and not had that be the end of their story. I'd write a book about it if it wouldn't be labeled fiction.  
  
For the most part, it doesn't bother me. The people who care about me know what I've been through. They've been through it all with me. Just as they've watched me die, I've watched them die. And through it all, we're still the best of friends. There's only one thing that I just can't deal with. Love.  
  
Reflecting on my life, and knowing what I do of the future, it would seem that love is simply impossible for me. I've died more than once, and I'm destined to live protecting my princess for somewhere around a thousand years. The odds are good that I'll die again during that time, and she'll probably save me again when that happens. What fool would possibly even think about love under those circumstances?  
  
I would. I did. I never meant to, but I fell in love. There's not a lot that can be done about it since the first steps down that path were taken before I even knew the fate that awaited me. I'll never forget that day.  
  
I was on my way to the new school, when I came across a group of bullies picking on some poor girl. I've never had much patience for that, so I taught them a quick lesson. I thought that would be the end of it right there. I ran into her again at lunchtime though. Her name was Usagi, and I had no idea just how big a part of my life she would become. After school that day, we went to the arcade together. Then she walked in.  
  
I don't think I have ever seen someone more beautiful, before or since. She was perfection. She's athletic, but not overly muscular. Her skin is so fair, you'd think she was made of porcelain. But what really caught me and never let me go were her eyes. How can one possibly describe those eyes? I've seen pictures of pure, unpolluted seas. Their color comes close to matching the blue of here eyes. And like those far off seas, you can see so much in her eyes.  
  
Everyone who sees her eyes sees the kindness, the caring. That's the first thing you see. If you look deeper in her eyes though, you see the strength. Her eyes were how I first knew just how strong of heart she was. And under that, if you look carefully, you can see the sadness. This part she tries desperately to hide, but that more than anything trapped me in her eyes. I can't express how much I've wanted to kiss her, to do anything I could to make the sadness disappear from her eyes.  
  
I adored her the moment I saw her. I got to know her quickly, and respected her almost immediately. I cared for her when I discovered who and what we both were. But when did I love her? I can't say for certain. I can only say when I realized I loved her. I knew without doubt that I loved her when I watched her sacrifice herself for our mission.  
  
I was already dead myself at the time. It seems I had an eternity to stare into her eyes as she sent the others on. I saw in her eyes that she knew what would happen to her. But it didn't matter. She was determined that the others would survive. I watched her turn to confront the threat. I saw the fear, and I saw the determination. How could I not love her? How could anyone not love her?  
  
I can't help but wonder if anything could have prevented it. If there was anything that I could have done to change things. I doubt it. All of us are caught in destiny's web. But I have to think about it, because if I don't then all I'll do is cry about the situation as it is.  
  
It was six days ago that I saw her in Minako's arms.  
  
I was walking through the park that day. I love the park. It's a great place to go to think, to study, or to simply sit and pass an afternoon doing nothing. I heard a strange noise as I was walking. I didn't know what it was, but it was coming from the middle of a large patch of bushes. I searched for a minute or two, and finally found a way to get through. Imagine my surprise to find a cleared area in the center of the bushes. Even more surprising though, was seeing Ami in Minkao's arms. Their clothes were more than half off, and the look of ecstasy on Ami's face told me everything I needed to know.  
  
Perhaps had I said something, things might have been different. But, perhaps not too. I just didn't know how to say 'Ami I love you.' Girls aren't supposed to love other girls. Not to mention this was the first indication I had ever seen from her than she might find girls more appealing than boys. Truthfully, she never seemed to find anyone all that appealing, so what was I supposed to do?  
  
My heart died that day. It feels surprisingly like death feels. Time seems to go by so slowly that I can think faster than I ever could. I can see all the subtle signs of affection between them that nobody else notices.  
  
When I got home that night my phone was ringing. Of course it was Usagi. She didn't know what the problem was, but somehow she knew just how out-of-my-mind I was. Before I could even reach any conclusion myself, she made me promise I wouldn't do anything drastic. I think if I hadn't made that promise to her, I would have killed myself. But it doesn't get any more drastic than that, does it?  
  
Now, everyone's worried about me. Even she sees it, and worries. She showed up at my door yesterday, saying she was worried about me. I've told them all that I'm fine. They don't believe me. I don't even believe me, but if I can just keep myself going, perhaps a new normal will emerge. Perhaps someday I'll be able to believe that what I am is 'fine.'  
  
And in spite of what has happened, I still love her. I should have said something a long time ago. Now I can never say anything. If I said something, she would stop seeing the one she loves out of consideration for my feelings. I can never let myself do that to her. But I just can't seem to stop loving her.  
  
Destiny has all of us caught in its web. It seems that my destiny is to be on the receiving end of tragedy. The worst part is, if this is the price that I have to pay to allow Usagi to keep the world safe, I'll pay this price. But don't ever talk to me about 'a fate worse than death.' I know about fate, I know about death, and I'm living a fate worse than death. 


End file.
